We can disagree and still love each other unless...
A Holiday Message from Secular AZ Board Vice-Chair Iain Hamp
The 2024 holiday season seems to be a time when many people realize the opinions held by those they are related to biologically are not the sort of opinions they can simply agree to disagree with. People are making the decision to not travel to see family who enthusiastically voted for someone whose policies will directly, intentionally, and maliciously harm the people we love.
At a time when many of us surely long to be among people who *theoretically* are supposed to love and care for us unconditionally, we find ourselves facing a reality in which those same people are not - and may never be - people who agree with us on what we consider even the most basic and fundamental of human rights (to control our own bodies, or even to exist as we are at all).
I wish I had the answers. I do not.
I have, however, learned a few things that might be helpful to share. Some people really enjoy learning “life hacks” - ways to make something in life easier - and those are cool. What I really enjoy is collecting “love hacks” I can use to find more of the love I long for in the world and bring some of that love to others. So if you’ll indulge me, I’ll share five of my own “love hacks” in the hope they may help to make this season in our society a little brighter.
LOVE HACK #1: One of my high school teachers challenged my class to try being 100% honest for an entire day, then write about the experience. He emphasized that it wouldn’t be as easy as it might sound - for example, if someone says “Good morning, how are you?” you might instinctively say “fine,” but if you aren’t fine, being honest would be telling the person how you were actually doing.
Along those same lines, you are likely going to feel compelled to ask “And how are you?” but if you don’t actually want to know how they are doing, that’s being less than honest as well.
I took three lessons away from that exercise. One, at age 18, was that being 100% honest was MUCH more difficult than it looked. Two, at around age 22, was to only ask people how they are doing if I truly cared how they were doing. Three, at roughly age 25, was that the real endgame is to find a path to just loving everyone and thus authentically caring about how someone is doing anytime you interact with other people.
That last lesson has taken the next 25 years to master, and I am sure I still have room to grow - but I’m close-ish, I think, maybe?
LOVE HACK #2: When you’re in line at the store and a clerk greets you by asking “How are you doing today?” answer them honestly, kindly, and briefly - and then ask “and how are you doing?” Watch as their smiles suddenly become brighter and more authentic - because someone cared enough to ask back.
It’s SUCH an easy, bucket-filling way to make another person’s day better in a manner that, frankly, probably shouldn’t stand out as much as it will. It will stand out to them, though, and it will be a gift to them when you ask.
You’ll both leave the interaction feeling better for having experienced it.
LOVE HACK #3: It seems like when we think about “hope,” many of us think about it as a big, nebulous concept… and I wonder if that is why we often struggle to find it. I have come to believe that hope is countless little opportunities to make things better for one another.
We seem, in fact, to often be surrounded by opportunities to help each other get through today and work toward a better tomorrow; this holds true across all election cycles, in dark times and better times. Again, this is just one man’s belief, but I have practiced this approach since soon after the first time America elected this guy as our President and I find it holds true as a reliable and constant source of finding the hope I need to keep going and keep loving my fellow humans.
LOVE HACK #4: My perspective on this subject may be skewed, as I am an only child, but as much as I love my parents and as grateful as I am we see eye-to-eye on where we are in America politically these days, I find the concept of “found family” to be something I hope more and more of us lean into.
“A found family is a group of people who form a family unit without being biologically related. Found families are also known as chosen families or hānai families. They are based on chosen bonds, rather than biological ones, and are created to provide social support.” (This is from Google AI, but I think it kinda nailed it.)
The truth, I am realizing, is that “found family” and the sort of “community” that concept represents is not only possible but (I would argue) necessary and prudent to build in today’s America. Oppressed people across our country have known this for longer than America has existed.
Found families can form through shared experiences and/or identities, and help fill the gap for people who don't have a loving or healthy biological family. Found families can be absolutely critical for LGBTQ youth, as an example, created to find familial love by deepening connections with friends.
LOVE HACK #5: Remember that there are at least two ways to achieve a rich life full of “found family”. You can decide that those you already know are people with whom your social bond is strong enough to think of them as family. You can also go find those people in spaces you are likely to find people you bond strongly with based on similar values and shared experiences.
That is likely going to look different for me than for you to an extent (unless you are SUPER into board games and then we should probably talk), but here are a few examples I bet you and I would both enjoy and find some found family in (maybe we already are family and we just need to do that “found” part?):
Come to the Secular AZ Friday conversations every week from noon to 1PM (AZ time) on Zoom. The live chat in those conversations is consistently on FIRE and full of some of the most funny and wonderful and smart and empathic people around. I even got to meet a few of the regulars in person when I attended one of the regular happy hours that the Freedom From Religion Foundation - Valley of the Sun host.
Bring a savory or sweet pie (pizza, quiche, and other pie-adjacent items are also permitted) to the 2024 Winter Festival of Pie happening December 29th from 5-7PM at the Humanist Center in Mesa, then enjoy all of the other amazing pies people have brought to share. It’s also a hybrid event, so if you just want to be in community and play some fun interactive games with the people online and there in person, we’d love to have you join us (I’m in charge of the games - we’re gonna have some fun, fam).
Be in community with us on January 4, 2025 at Shadow Rock Church in Moon Valley for our annual Secular Summit. This year, we will focus on building bridges where we can, and on taking a stand against the very real and imminent threat posed by Christian nationalism (for the secular community and beyond).
I hope something I’ve shared is helpful to you and those you love. I would love to hear any “love hacks” you’ve found on your own journey on this rock we’re all hurtling through space on.
The coming years will challenge our resilience and our resistance in ways we can’t even imagine today, but it brings me no small amount of comfort to know the Secular AZ community is a part of my own found family.
Thanks Iain. Your post made me realize how lucky I am that my two remaining siblings are left-leaning liberals, albeit living in very red states: Louisiana (New Orleans) and Tennessee (Knoxville). For geographic support, I also love my found family in Arizona. My blue-dot-Tucson turned out to be somewhat of a blue bubble: everyone I know seemed to think we’d be celebrating our first female president 1/20/25, including me. Oh well, I remind myself: love trumps hate.
"Bring the weird. Make it awkward. Own that shit."
Well played—luv it!