Of Gods and Monsters

What's truly scary this Halloween

Hey there, Secular Fam! Be honest: how many of you have already started decorating for Halloween? My most prized decorations for my little townhouse are these AWESOME Simpsons figurines that I got from several many trips to Burger King in the early 2000s. I never got the complete set, but I’m proud of my collection. 

I don’t know about y’all, but I LOVE Halloween. I love scary movies. I love jump scenes. I love creepy little ghost kids who stand at the end of a dark hall. I love people who put those giant skeletons in their yards and decorate “Halloween wreaths” (I’m looking at you, Chris Love). 

All of this, and I don’t believe in Satan, the supernatural, ghosts, or demonic possession. Stated plainly, I don’t believe in magic tricks. 

There are a whole bunch of people who do believe in that stuff, of course. In fact, I’m frequently referred to as “demonic,” “satanic,” or as a “Satan worshiper,” but joke’s on them, because I don’t believe in gods or monsters. 

Now, I DO believe that humans have a choice to behave like gods or monsters. I’ve seen examples of both, and I see way more self-proclaimed “Christians” behaving like monsters rather than modeling themselves after the teachings of Christ, their lord and savior. 

And let’s be honest here. Many evangelical Americans stopped worshiping Jesus when their orange demagogue descended on that golden escalator in 2015. The day he said, “They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people,” these so-called Christians forgot all about the teachings of Christ in exchange for the ramblings of a doddering old racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and misogynistic grifter.

Weird, right? But they’re just embracing the patriarchal origins of Christianity. A while back, we discussed authoritarian Christianity, so if you haven’t seen our talk with Rick Pidcock, you should definitely check it out. 

The same folks who enjoy Pagan rituals during Christmas and Easter suddenly freak out over Halloween. 

I’ve never seen such a lack of self-awareness from a group…EVER. And I taught middle schoolers for eight years! Recently, some “News”max host complained loudly about the “Idolatry of Taylor Swift,” and I was like, 

So this year, we’re giving you something real to believe in. This Halloween, we want to celebrate spooky season, and that means you can sell your soul to Secular AZ! We will buy your soul for whatever price fits your budget: $6.66, $66.60, $666.00, or $6666.66!

At these bargain basement prices, you’ll receive…the knowledge that you’re helping us combat Christian nationalism through our legal department, legislative tracking, and our educational programming! 

And we may piss off some idolaters in the process

How cool is that? 

Also, if you hear about a wacky headline where a bunch of fOlLoWeRs oF ChRiSt are losing their minds over Halloween, send it to us at info@secularaz.org. We figure this would help us all prepare for the upcoming WaR oN ChRiStMaS (sponsored by Fox “news”).

Will you sell your soul to Secular AZ this Halloween? For just $6.66, $66.60, $666.00, or even $6,666.66, you can help us combat the real horrors of Christian nationalism. These funds will help support the overwhelming number of complaints our legal department receives on any given day. 

Sell your “soul” today and join us in the fight for a just and secular Arizona!