Happy Satan Day at the AZ Legislature

These are deeply unserious people

Hey there, Secular Fam, I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful spring weather we’re having. This is a big week to be sure. SCOTUS heard the Trump 14th Amendment arguments, the Waste Management Phoenix Open is in full swing (pun intended), and aLpHa MaLeS all over the country are losing their minds over a talented young woman who will be supporting her significant other during the Superbowl. 

You know. Totally normal stuff. And of course, the evangelical extremist members of the Arizona legislature are laser-focused on issues that impact every Arizonan. So you’re probably imagining that they’re coming up with solutions to the housing crisis, quick action to fix the latest election debacle, or creating policies to protect our dwindling water supply in the state.

Well, I’m here to tell you that your imagination is WRONG because we’re dealing with deeply unserious elected leadership. 

So let’s get this party started because instead of focusing on ANY of the above mentioned issues, the white Christian nationalist elected officials were focused on the number of clothes people can own, children’s genitalia (of course), and one of their favorite imaginary friends, Satan. 

Earlier in the legislative session, a bunch of Freedumbdom Caucus members introduced SB1279 which bans any “MEMORIALS, STATUES, ALTARS OR DISPLAYS OR ANY OTHER METHOD OF REPRESENTING OR HONORING SATAN” from being “DISPLAYED ON PUBLIC PROPERTY IN THIS STATE.” They’ve created the super clever acronym for it designating it the RESPECT (“Reject Escalating Satanism by Preserving Essential Core Traditions”) Act. 

Personally, I haven’t noticed “escalating Satanism,” but I’ve definitely noticed that more and more Americans are rejecting organized religion. As Andrew Seidel says on the regular, these folks are “raging against the dying of their privilege” so this bill should surprise no one.

As with most other legislation these fundamental extremists sponsor and push through the House and the Senate, this bill seeks to solve a problem that doesn’t exist.

Rather, their bills are largely a reflection of their desire to control every aspect of their constituents’ lives. They are “culture war” bills designed to force their evangelical ideologies onto all of us, and they’re willing to strip us of our ability to participate in the electoral process to ensure we all bend to their christofascist will. 

I got up bright and early on February 7th, 2024 so that I could meet our current intern and a few other members of The Satanic Temple (TST) who were opposed to this bill. It was the intern’s first time ever watching a legislative committee hearing, and I asked him to take copious notes so he can paint a picture of what it’s like there.

Spoiler alert: it’s terrible. But! He’ll be sharing his thoughts soon in his own words, so be on the lookout for his upcoming piece. 

I met a member of the Reason Riders Motorcycle Club and gradually, more people started congregating in the front of the Senate building. It was easy to spot them what with all the baby bone necklaces, the cloven hooves, and the horns coming out of their heads.

Just kidding! They’re regular people who care about just being effing decent to each other and keeping other people’s religious beliefs from dictating laws and policies. They’re dope. Trust me. 

I mean, the Seven Fundamental Tenets of Satanism kick ASS! Just look at what members of TST believe in: 

1. One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.

2. The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.

3. One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.

4. The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.

5. Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs.

6. People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.

7. Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

I don’t know about y’all, but I wish that more people lived their lives with these principles in mind. And I especially wish that our elected officials would use these tenets to guide their governance.

The fact that Senator Jake Hoffman (R-LD12) and the freedumb-dumbs reject these tenets says more about their lack of character and morality than it does about members of TST. Also, I mean, who am I kidding? They’ve clearly never read these tenets, much like they’ve never read their favorite book. 

So surprise, surprise, they’ve created a whole bill regarding a topic they know nothing about but they do this on the daily, so this totally tracks.

Anyway, I shook hands with a bunch of these people and I didn’t catch fire, and none of them invited me to any upcoming orgies, so that was disappointing. I began wondering, “Are they even actual Satanists?” but then I remembered that Satan is a fictional character and magic isn’t real.

Whew.

We all sat down in the Senate Government hearing room and waited for the worst party ever to start. While we were waiting, I saw some familiar faces. I noticed Fountain Hills “America First” city councilmember, Allen Skillicorn, and then Arizona’s own J6 Insurrectionist, CD8 Congressional Hopeful, Fake Elector, Arizona’s Biggest Manbaby AND Mama Fratelli Look Alike, Senator Anthony Kern (R-LD27)

sat next to him. There was a young reporter there covering the story for Cronkite News, and a mom and her child who were there to speak to another bill.

The meeting started a bit late with Senator Hoffman gaveling the meeting to order. They rearranged the order of bills to accommodate the schedule of the sponsors of bills, so recently appointed Senator to LD2 in North Phoenix, Shawnna Bolick (R) presented her “lemonade stand” bill. The bill passed

Next up was Senator Kern pushing his “anti-Marxism” legislation which would prohibit taxpayer dollars to be spent on any initiative that “promotes, advocates, or plans for” basically any kind of conservation efforts, including mass transit, reducing greenhouse gas emissions, adopting a climate action plan, limiting the number of articles of clothing an individual may purchase or own (!?!?) or “replacing animal protein with insect or synthetic protein.” You know, real serious stuff. 

While I’m not here to talk about SB1195 or its partner, SCR1015, these bills really do highlight the importance of, like, acknowledging facts and reality.

Remember Bug Lady from Peoria (PUSD)? These people really do think that there is a Marxist plot happening that would force people to eat bugs and monitor how many articles of clothing they can own. It was weird. 

The worst part about hearing that bill was the truly disrespectful way Senator Hoffman treated a representative from the Sierra Club, Sandy Barr. If you’ve never met Sandy, I can tell you that she’s one of the kindest, smartest, and most passionate people I’ve ever met. Senator Hoffman interrupted her to ask if she was a psychologist, and then belittled her and essentially insulted her in a public committee hearing. 

At this point, all I could think about was that I wish EVERY high school history, civics, government, or student council teacher would show their students a video of the Senate Government Committee on any given day so they can see what actually happens in our state government.

And for those of you who want to see this terrible, bullying behavior on display, you can go ahead and check out all 1.5 hours here. 

At this point, the committee recessed, and members of TST were recognized on the floor by Senator Mendez (D-LD8). It’s important to note that from what I could tell, EVERY SINGLE member of the AZGOP left the chamber for this acknowledgement and returned after Senator Mendez finished. The official AZGOP Xitter account wasted no time mocking both Senator Mendez and the members of TST. 

The next bill was about banning the filming of sexual acts in government buildings because of course it was, and finally, we were onto SB1279. Once the bill was introduced, Senator Hoffman said it was a “very simple bill” and opened debate.

Senator Mendez began by asking why Hoffman’s bill was singling out one religion, and he smugly responded, “It’s not a religion,” (it is) and that “Satan is implicitly antithetical to religion” (he’s not). 

Senator Mendez asserted that there were people present who would likely disagree with that statement, and Hoffman essentially (incorrectly) said they were wrong in the absolute smuggest way possible. He said that satanic displays were a “desecration of public property” and said that any satanic displays are insulting and disrespectful.

I don’t know about you, Secular Fam, but I find the hyper-Jesus-y invocations uttered at the opening of every floor session insulting. I find the fact that my tax dollars are spent on religious indoctrination centers to be disrespectful AF. I don’t believe that ANY religious displays should adorn our public spaces, but until we get rid of every last one of them, TST deserves the same opportunities as every other religion. 

At this point, it was time for public comment, and I’m here to tell you that Senator Hoffman is one of the rudest, most hostile committee chairs I’ve ever encountered. The dude punches down like crazy. He’s smug, smarmy, and downright mean to anyone who disagrees with him.

If you get tripped up at all during your testimony? He pounces on you. He interrupts anyone who isn’t on his side, including his colleagues. 

If this was a regular workplace, he’d be fired for his antics, but since his party has been in control (for the most part) since the 1960s, they’re drunk with power, and he faces no consequences for the way he treats members of the public and his colleagues.

It’s super-gross, and I’m serious: if you’ve never watched him in action, you should. And then you should share the video with absolutely everyone you’ve ever met, including your MAGA Uncle Bob because even Bob will walk away thinking he’s a complete jerk. 

First up to speak was a member of TST, Oliver, and he asserted that they are in fact a religion recognized by the IRS. He brought up Senator Hoffman’s assertion that any Satanic displays would be a “desecration” and countered that assertion by saying that our government buildings are “democratically sacred, not religiously sacred” and then went on to cite both the federal and the Arizona Constitution. 

Senator Hoffman did his best to trip him up as he’s prone to do, but Oliver stood his ground.

Next up was another speaker, Micah, who also cited the Constitution and the First Amendment, stating “I’m genuinely impressed that in only 25 words, this bill seems to violate three separate clauses of the First Amendment of the Constitution.” 

Since Senator Hoffman seems to love the sound of his own voice and also seems to hate logic, reason, and the law, he doubled down on his completely wrong assertion that Satanism is not a religion, and all I could think is, “Here is an elected official - an internet troll farming, fake elector-ing, climate change & election denying elected official - who is debating the validity of fictional characters.” 

I started imagining this hearing with a different mythology. And please understand I mean no offense to any of our faithful followers, but to countless others and myself, this is just one of many global mythologies.

Imagine if the Arizona legislature was controlled by people who like The Office, but the ruling party likes the American version of The Office and the minority party likes the BBC version of The Office. For non-believers like me and also like a huge and growing portion of our society, it’s like debating over The Office characters, Michael Scott and David Brent. And while David Brent is clearly the better, more cringey character,

I DON’T GET TO CREATE LAWS BASED ON WHICH ONE IS BETTER BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT REAL.

The next speaker was a woman named Tonia who was soft-spoken and came across as a bit nervous, and Senator Hoffman used her testimony as another opportunity to punch down. He incorrectly stated that this discriminatory act isn’t discriminatory, and continued to talk about mythological characters, asserting that his god (death count ≅ 2,038,344) is less evil than the devil (death count ≅ 10).

Then he called this soft-spoken, clearly nervous member of the public, “disingenuous,” and Senator Mendez jumped to her defense, but was largely ignored. 

And again, folks, I’m going to recommend that you watch this testimony and share it with anyone you know who cares about democracy because no elected official should EVER be able to treat a voter in their state in such a manner. And by the way, if you’re reading this for free, don’t you think it’s time to upgrade to a paid subscription?

Next up was another member of TST who mentioned his military service and how his experience in the military caused him to share spaces with people from all races, religions, ethnicities, etc. Hoffman tried to get him tangled up in semantics stating (incorrectly again) that this isn’t an attack on individuals, that it’s just to limit public displays. 

But what about someone visiting the Capitol in a TST shirt? What if someone has an image of Satan tattooed on their body? What about ASU’s mascot, Sparky? This bill is so poorly written that ASU could be in violation for selling merchandise or for anyone wearing an ASU jersey at a football game. 

Next up was another member of TST who is also a member of the Arizona Chapter of the Reason Riders. He was clearly at ease speaking, and brought up facts, cited the Constitution, and spoke with confidence, so Senator Hoffman couldn’t punch down. Therefore, he didn’t ask any questions. 

Another member of TST and a Marine Corps combat veteran AND volunteer firefighter also cited his military service as an eye-opening experience where he learned to accept everyone regardless of race, religion, or creed. He correctly pointed out that Senator Hoffman’s fee-fees don’t matter when it comes to upholding the law of the land. 

“America First” Al (len Skillicorn) was up next and since he seems to be in a bromance with Senator Hoffman, he used the same silly arguments as the Senator. He essentially confirmed what many people in Fountain Hills already know: that he’s just as deeply unserious about upholding the Constitution as Hoffman. 

Next, during Senator Mendez’s explanation of his vote, Hoffman interrupted him, stating that he misquoted his words. After he cut off Senator Mendez, Senator Justine Wadsack (R-LD17) whispered in Senator Hoffman’s ear, and suddenly, Hoffman was berating the young reporter from the Cronkite School. Wadsack and Senator Wendy Rogers (R-LD7) do this frequently. If someone in the audience does anything they don’t like, they tattle to the Chair. 

Senator Hoffman singled out this young man asking if he was making faces, and the young man stated that he was reacting to the testimony and banter, but nothing more. It was dumb. 

Next, Senator Shamp (R-LD29) spoke and then Senator Wadsack was up to explain her vote. An audience member used sign language to express their disagreement, and by the look on her face, I wondered if she thought he was putting a satanic spell on her or something.

And also, if any believers are reading this, that’s not a real thing. 

Next, Senator Rogers did her best impression of a Catholic school nun when she scolded an audience member for rolling their eyes, and then she brought up her military service which is basically her favorite pastime besides taking pictures of her “hometown,” Flagstaff. She wrongly stated that her military service gives her the right to take away everyone else’s rights and then used the word “hardscrabble” in a sentence, so there was at least one interesting thing that came out of her mouth. 

Hoffman opened his closing remarks by incorrectly saying that “this bill in no way infringes on First Amendment rights.” That elicited hearty laughter from the audience, and while I’m a big fan of decorum (I’m looking at YOU, PUSD), I admit I enjoyed seeing the good senator a skosh rattled.

In a nutshell, he said he can pray wherever the hell he wants to and essentially said that his Christian religion is valid and everyone else’s is not. He ended by stating that he’s big mad that people get in trouble when they desecrate public religious displays, but having a “gay sex orgy” at the Capitol is AOK (it’s not - dude got fired). 

And there you have it, folks. This bill passed on party lines and will likely move to the Senate floor next week.

Our housing costs and our population of people who are homeless are skyrocketing, our water supply is dwindling, and our public schools are being defunded in order to give ESAs to the wealthy, and this - THIS - is what our elected officials are doing with our tax dollars. 

I am so tired of the culture war nonsense and politicians who create solutions to problems that don’t exist.

Imagine having a legislature that prioritizes housing solutions. Imagine a legislature that prioritizes our public schools, and making sure that children who are hungry have food to eat.

Arizona is so close to having nice things, I can practically taste it. 

This bill will likely move to the Senate floor sometime next week, so stay alert! And in the meantime, be sure to like, subscribe, and share these updates. And of course, you can always become a member or volunteer to help protect the separation of religion and government.